Five Coupley Things Barney and Robin Hate
by SigmaTheta
Summary: And One They Don't Mind So Much. Barney/Robin. Post season four.


**1. Holding hands in public**

About an hour into the night, Barney drops his hand below the table and slowly brushes it across the top of Robin's leg until it bumps against her wrist. She turns her hand palm up to let his fingers slide between hers and glances to her left. He doesn't pause once in the conversation he is having with Marshall but does offer a slight grin in her direction, and she smiles back.

This isn't so bad. They've already finished eating, and it only takes one hand to knock back a beer. They're still having a normal evening with their friends, and the feel of Barney's thumb across the side of her hand, synching up with the rhythm of his speech, is actually pretty nice. It's not really all that sappy.

The trouble starts when they go to leave and stand up from the booth, bringing their still joined hands into view. Marshall and Lily immediately break off any conversation they were having to let out a loud, simultaneous 'aww!' and lean against each other with huge grins on their faces. Barney frowns and asks, "What's the matter with you two?"

Having apparently lost the ability to form actual words, they just continue with the vague cooing sounds. Ted, now relegated consistently to the end chair with the forming of a second couple in the group and not entirely happy about it, sighs and shakes his head, gesturing pointedly to their linked hands with no further comment.

Barney and Robin glance down and then up at each other again with a look of subtle horror. Robin's fingers twitch anxiously, but Barney squeezes tighter. He snorts and tries to play it off without actually saying anything. "Please. Really?" he scoffs, inching away. "Come on."

It's through pure stubbornness that they make it to the door without letting go, and it's there that they discover another problem: it's difficult to go through a doorway meant for one person while holding someone's hand.

"Okay," Robin says, running her now free hand through her hair and following Barney outside, "Let's never do that again."

"Yeah," he replies, nodding, "Yeah, that's a good plan."

**2. Having a song**

The party is so dreadfully boring that it manages to inflict even people as awesome as they are with some form of Couples' Coma. Robin is leaning against Barney who is leaning against the exhausted heap at the end of the couch that is Marshall-and-Lily, and they haven't shown any signs of movement for several minutes.

Robin stifles a yawn and turns her head. "Hey, where did Ted go?" she asks, muffled against Barney's sleeve.

He shrugs slightly. "Probably either schmoozing with that big shot from the university or hitting on Hot Bio Lab Intern."

"Oh."

Lily may or may not be snoring.

The loud pulsing rhythm of the last song dies away, and unexpectedly, the first few strains of 'Good Feeling' begin to emerge from the speakers. The dozing lump of Marshall-and-Lily is awake and up like a shot, nearly knocking Barney off the couch in the process. "Baby, it's our song!" Lily calls out as they rush to get out on the floor and start dancing.

Barney mumbles a complaint and resettles himself against the arm of the couch, Robin now lying mostly on top of him. She puts a hand on his chest and lifts her head. "Do you think we should get up?" she asks.

"Nah" Barney says, "Let's wait for our song."

She laughs. "I don't think they're going to play 'Oops, I Did It Again' at this party."

"I was gonna wait for the Chicken Dance," he replies, grinning.

"Come on. Obviously, our song is the Macarena."

"Wait, I've got it," Barney says with sudden enthusiasm, and Robin leans back as he struggles to sit up. He fishes his cell phone out of his pocket, messes with it for a few seconds, and holds it up. The unmistakable, synthesizer-heavy opening of 'Sandcastles in the Sand' begins to play, accompanied by a grainy but equally unmistakable video.

"Okay," Robin says, standing up, "Game's over. It's not fun anymore."

Barney is still grinning delightedly. "Oh come on," he laughs, "This is totally our song! You can't deny that."

"Yes I can. I have Awesome Girlfriend veto powers."

"You're no fun, Scherbatsky." Barney pouts, but he turns the phone off anyway.

**3. Finishing each other's sentences**

It was one of the funniest things that had ever happened, if not _the_ funniest. Way funnier than a monkey wearing two tuxedos, and possibly even funnier than Marshall forgetting his pants.

Although, let's face it, that had been really, _really_ funny.

But this at least came close, and Barney had been fortunate enough to be there for it, even though it had really happened to Robin. And while she is trying to tell the story to the others, he is practically bouncing in his seat with excitement, unable to keep from blurting out the occasional sentence to further emphasize the hilarity of the situation.

By the time the tale is almost finished, Barney is unknowingly telling every other line until finally, he shouts, "And it was Slutty Susan from the studio!" at the exact same time as Robin.

A few things happen at once: Barney slaps a hand across his mouth, Robin whips her head around to stare at him, and the rest of the group start laughing, though whether it's at the story or the storytellers is difficult to say.

"What the hell, Barney?" Robin asks in a loud whisper. "Did you just finish my sentence?"

"I don't know!" he replies frantically. "I didn't mean to."

"Then why did you say the same thing at the same time as me?"

"Well, I wasn't planning on it!" His eyes go wide. "Oh my God, do we have a story?"

"No. No, of course we don't."

"Wow," Ted interjects, "Are you guys seriously freaking out about one sentence?"

Robin gives him a look like he's crazy, and Barney just looks alarmed. "It's not the sentence, Ted, it's the principle!" he barks.

Ted holds his hands up in surrender.

**4. Sharing food**

Without thinking, Barney reaches over Robin's arm, plucks the olive out of her martini, and pops it in his mouth.

"Hey!" she protests, snatching her glass protectively close despite the fact that's now pretty much empty, "Hands off."

Barney rolls his eyes. "Please. You don't even like olives. What's the big deal?" he asks, ignoring Marshall and Lily's shared amused glance.

Robin says, "Well, ask first, Grabby," and snatches Barney's scotch and soda, downing the rest of it.

"Wha-? Dude. Not cool," Barney gapes.

"What's the big deal?" she asks mockingly.

"The big deal is that I ate a garnish you don't even like, and you just swallowed down half of my drink!"

Robin shrugs. She licks around the rim of the glass and sets it back down in front of Barney, who looks aghast.

His affronted expression melts rapidly into a determined one. "Oh, so that's how it's gonna be tonight, huh?" he asks.

"Yeah," she says, "that's how it's gonna be."

"Okay then." He flags down Wendy the Waitress as she passes their booth. "Yeah, I'll have a brownie sundae. Just one spoon. Thanks a bunch." He turns back toward Robin with an expression that can only be described as 'bring it.'

Robin catches Wendy's arm as she goes to leave. "Bring me one of those appetizer platters," she demands without breaking eye contact with Barney. He grins back at her as she glares.

Ted's new girlfriend, a sweet woman who had just finished her post grad work at Columbia, sits in her chair beside Ted and looks politely puzzled. "Should I be alarmed?" she asks quietly.

Ted sighs, quickly on the road to regretting his decision to bring her tonight. "Probably," he replies, "but they're always like this, so I wouldn't worry about it too much."

She blinks as the food is delivered to the table and Barney and Robin immediately and voraciously dig in, staring each other down all the while. "Oh," she says, "Okay then." She shrugs and leans back, and Ted thinks if she's not rushing to escape yet, maybe bringing her wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Barney and Robin get about halfway through their respective dishes when the nature of their heated stares abruptly changes. They are completely still for a moment, and then Robin drops her half-eaten mozzarella stick, Barney drops his spoon, and the two of them slide out of the booth with remarkable speed. "We gotta go," Barney mumbles as they head for the door.

"…Impressive," Marshall says, "No code words or anything."

Ted casts a glance over the abandoned dishes. "Wait, are we gonna have to pay for this now?"

Lily shrugs and pulls the appetizer platter closer. "Anyone want a potato skin?"

**5. Marriage**

Against all odds, it turns out that Columbia Graduate Girl actually is Ted's The One. His friends at their worst didn't manage to scare her off, and even the long, tedious squabble they had over Ted's obnoxiously yellow umbrella (or was it hers?) only seemed to make them closer.

And as of today, they're officially Mr. and Mrs. Ted Mosby, and Robin is sitting down at a table at the reception, swirling a glass of champagne and watching people and thinking about the funny way life has of getting you where you're going.

Lily comes back to the table, looking cheerful and flushed from some happy combination of dancing, nostalgia, and alcohol. "Hi," she greets, sitting down, and Robin smiles up at her. "You know," she begins right away once she's settled, "I've been wondering how you got around Ted's whole 'no exes at a wedding' rule. I mean, I know he's glad you're here for this, but you can't blame him for being a little strict on that one."

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone else," Robin says, "I'm a friend of the bride's."

Lily laughs. "Robin…"

"It's been a long time. We've grown up a little more. Ted means a lot to me, and we've just gotten to the point where the friend thing is more important than the ex thing." She looks down at her glass and smirks a little. "Plus, it helps to be banging one of the best men if you're hoping to score an invite to a wedding."

Lily giggles. "Yeah, it does!" she says, lifting her glass to clink against Robin's.

Robin finishes the last of her champagne as Barney comes up to the table out of nowhere, dragging a chair over and sitting down next to her. "Hey," he says, a big smile on his face.

"Where have you been?" Robin asks.

"Oh, just dancing with the third hottest bridesmaid."

"Only the third?" She tilts her head. "Setting the bar a little low, aren't you?"

"Eh." He shrugs. "When you know you're going home with the hottest bridesmaid, the sport isn't as fun anymore," he tells her, scooting closer with a grin.

Robin laughs, and Lily sets down her glass. "I'm gonna go find Marshall," she says.

Barney nods. "See you around, Lil."

Robin leans back in her chair and lets her eyes drift across the room, where the newlyweds are dancing. It's an upbeat song, but the two are holding each other close and swaying slowly to a rhythm of their own creation. It's like their own personal slow motion, like Ted's romanticism has finally become the reality through sheer force of will. He's been waiting a long time for it.

"Hey." Barney's hand falls on her knee, and Robin jumps at his voice. He's talking softly, but he's leaning in so close. He gives her a questioning look. "You okay?"

She looks over at Ted again, who for once looks truly and completely happy. Then she shifts her attention to Barney, who is right now so genuine and caring in that subtle Barney way he doesn't like people to see, feeling the warmth of him through the fabric of her dress.

Robin smiles. "Yeah," she says, "I am."

**1. Falling asleep together**

Barney rolls onto his back, stretches languorously, and lets out a contented sigh. "So," he yawns, "with today's addition of a newborn Mosby, we're now an aunt and uncle four times over. What do you think about that?"

Robin turns her head against the pillow to shoot him a perplexed look. "I think it's weird that you're talking about small children immediately after having sex."

He looks thoughtful. "Not really. It is cause and effect," he remarks, "I mean, just look at all our friends. Only one nephew there is adopted, and as a fellow Stinson, I can assure you that's out of necessity, not lack of trying."

Robin rolls her eyes, even though she can't quite keep a smile off her face. "Okay, Barney. I get it."

He shifts over onto his side, propping himself up with an elbow. "Seriously though," he starts again, "what do you think about all these kids running around?"

She shakes her head. "I don't know. Does it really matter?"

"Are you kidding? This is of the utmost importance." He lifts his free hand for emphasis, index finger raised. "We have a responsibility to these children, and that responsibility is awesomeness. Where else are they going to learn it? Their parents? Pfft. No, Scherbatsky. It's all up to me and you." He lets his hand drop, nodding slowly as though he had just said something incredibly profound.

Robin reaches a hand around behind his neck and pulls him down into a kiss, cutting him off from saying anything else ridiculous. When she pulls back, his eyes are closed. "Goodnight, Barney," she says, shaking her head.

He opens his eyes slowly and grins stupidly at her, and it amazes her that he can still look so completely smitten with her after all this time. "Night," he says.

Robin rolls over and pulls the sheets up around her, and Barney settles down beside her. He doesn't wind an arm around her and pull her close, smothering her, and he doesn't bury his face in her shoulder where his breath will tickle against her neck all night. Instead, he reaches out one hand across the small space between them until his fingers rest gently against her back, and he bends one knee until it brushes against her thigh.

With those little points of contact rooting them to each other, they fall asleep.


End file.
